I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
