I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
