im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
