the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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