i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
