and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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