Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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