Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
