Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Randomize
