why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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