She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
