so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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