Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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