No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
