my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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