Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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