Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
