Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
