I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
