i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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