you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
