discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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