listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
