i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
