Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
