I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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