Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
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I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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