my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
