Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
