He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
