Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
