Cold hands, warm shart.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
