She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
