you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
