Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
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My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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