the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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