i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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