I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
