Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
