So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
did you just send me my own nude
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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