i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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