Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
