So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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