when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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