if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
