How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
