if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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