running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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