mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
