it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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