Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
