its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
