the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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