I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
