watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
