He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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