dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need moral support for this bender
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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