I accidentally burped into my bong.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
