Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
