Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Randomize
