You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just gargled with NyQuil
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
